Florida tries to ban spring breakers, Sophie Ellis-Bextor performs 'Murder On The Dancefloor' at the Bataclan & angry Condé Nast staff pee on bathroom floor
The best cringe headlines of the past week according to yours truly.
Hello friend,
It’s finally time to announce our next theme for issue 7… ✨🪩🌸🌼YOUTH🌼🌸🪩✨
Whether you're in the midst of your youth right now or look back at it nostalgically, we want to hear from you. Do you remember the ups and downs of your first great love? The embarrassment that comes with trying on different identities only to shed them when they don’t feel quite right? Perhaps you've got a story which only the agony aunt of your favourite teen magazine ever heard about?
For more inspiration, prompts, and our mood board, head over to our Instagram on Monday to find out all you need to know about submitting work to our next issue. We can’t wait to see how you interpret this theme!
Now without further ado, let’s get into this week’s newsletter:
WYR your mum married your ex or your dad asked people to pray for your marriage on social media?
Georjia: These options alone make me want to never introduce a guy to either of my parents (my parents are normal and would never do this!). True nightmare scenario. Your mum marrying your ex is vile, like why?? But if it was a suitable age gap for them I guess it would be more well suited? But still! It’s an ex! Your mum is meant to hate your ex more than yourself. Your dad asking people to pray for your marriage is hilarious. Stay in your own lane, dad! It’ll be less traumatising and a smaller therapy bill. My dad can ask people to pray for me any day of the week if it saves my mum marrying my ex!
Annika: The thought of your mum marrying your ex, especially if you would rather never see them again in your life but will now meet them at every family gathering, is incredibly uncomfortable. But there’s an additional level of embarrassment to my dad talking to ‘an audience’ on Instagram stories, and on top of that being about me and my own relationship. Why is he acting like a Christian influencer?? And how bad does my marriage have to be for him to “use his platform”? This can’t be anything but a last, desperate resort for help. If my marriage is fine but my dad is just going through something right now to behave like this, I would honestly rather my mum married my ex. Live and let live, is what I’d say to that. Mother-daughter relationships are never easy to begin with, but at least she would’ve found love.
WATERCOOLER CHATS
Are you patiently awaiting spring and the promise of slightly better days ahead? Leaning into your vices to make the transition period a bit easier? Need some help to keep you stimulated along the way? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have:
This week’s Would You Rather is our response to a question on The Shameless Podcast which came across our FYP this week, referring to
Tish Cyrus marrying her own daughter Noah Cyrus’ ex Dominic Purcell. According to an anonymous source, Tish didn’t invite Noah to her wedding, even hiring security to keep them out, and blocked her on Instagram after pursuing her relationship with Dominic.
People lost their minds a bit when they found out that Sophie Ellis-Bextor sang Murder On The Dancefloor at the Bataclan. You might think this was an honest mistake by whoever booked the venue for her, but turns out this was a very deliberate choice, made clear by the fact she paid tribute to the victims of the 2015 Paris terrorist attacks before her set:
"It didn't feel right to me to just waltz into a song called Murder On The Dancefloor without noting and paying tribute to the history."
Condé Nast staff are clearly still processing the news that they were forced to move out of Vogue House, as the latest Pop Bitch shared that the female toilets on the 9th floor were decorated in toilet paper and hand towels and a large puddle of urine on the floor. An internal note read:
"This behaviour is unacceptable and there is no excuse for it. You are grown adults."
Remember when Amsterdam launched an ad campaign to discourage young British men from ‘having a messy weekend’ in the popular tourist city? Well, looks like the Miami Beach government took notes, as they have now released a campaign of their own to deter spring breakers from visiting.
Weekly palate cleanser: This Dune meme:
The Kate Middleton disappearance conspiracy theories continue as she was spotted in public for the first time, with people speculating if they were right about her potentially getting plastic surgery:
“she got a bbl, i can tell by her eyes” – @ellaaimagine On the topic of surgery/altering your looks: Big fans of Kate Winslet’s reaction to finding out about Ozempic:
“Oh, my God. This sounds terrible. Let’s eat some more things!”
Remember last week’s disastrous Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow? Rumour has it they’re now making a horror film about the random character, called The Unknown, which appeared at the event.
Can’t have anything good anymore: A recent Rolling Stone exposé accuses Jonathan Van Ness from wholesome hit show Queer Eye of having rage issues, saying they “would have a screaming match at least once a week”. Remember everyone, god is dead and nothing is real!
With our next theme being ‘youth’, it almost feels prophetic to see the One Direction fan fiction-inspired movie The Idea Of You being released soon. The writers are truly bridging generational gaps here by getting the same writers of ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ to write the first track of the film – it’s like a 1D reunion and retrospective all at once!
If there is such a thing as wholesome cringe, it’s this story of Rebecca Ferguson’s daughter mistaking Timothée Chalamet for her dad.
Tom Sandoval’s PR agent is working overtime with how many times he’s embarrassed himself lately: Last time it was comparing his cheating scandal to the public’s response to O.J. Simpson and George Floyd, now he’s demonstrating “how to give money to a homeless person in a non-self-serving way”.
With the next US presidential election around the corner, Joe Biden is trying to appeal to voters by saying that he would sign proposed legislation to ban TikTok, likely in response to growing concerns about giving access to Americans’ data to China (where the app is banned already).
Second palate cleanser: Javier Bardem recently told Conan O’Brien that he picks his roles based on what his children want to see:
"I do ‘DUNE’ for him, I do ‘THE LITTLE MERMAID’ for her… and I get the paychecks for both."
You might not be the only one who remembers Messi’s phenomenal acting in ‘Anatomy of a Fall’, as multiple companies are quaking in their boots, complaining that if the canine fan favourite was to attend the Oscar nominees luncheon, this would give the film an advantage during the voting window.
CRINGE MEME
In honour of International Women’s Day earlier this week:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x