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Man fakes series of heart attacks to avoid paying restaurant bills, blink-182 fans steal urinal mats at gigs & politicians are shipped to Disneyland
The best cringe news of the past week according to yours truly.
It’s been a long and busy weekend you guys - apologies for the late newsletter! Maybe we can make up for it with this absolute whopper of a catchup in the world of cringe (just the real world).
Let’s get into this week’s Would You Rather:
WYR have Wayne Rooney represent you as a lawyer or fake a heart attack to avoid paying your restaurant bill?
Georjia: How bad of a bill are we talking? To the point I have to fake a heart attack to get out of it? A Michelin star restaurant or Wingstop? Because it could change everything. But then again, I am the person who checks the menu before I go somewhere and will see the price so I can plan in advance. Also, I’m not sure if I could handle all the attention the fake heart attack would bring, I’d feel so embarrassed. Wayne Rooney as a lawyer on the other hand, I doubt we’ll win a case together but I’m sure he does have some knowledge of a few laws that could help me. Sure, I’d lose a case but then I’m hanging out with Colleen Rooney’s other half, so who’s really winning? I’ll hire Wayne Rooney.
Annika: In terms of legal consequences, I feel like they’re pretty much on par: There’s no way I could get away with faking a heart attack. I’d be so embarrassed that I’d fail to commit to the bit in a way that’s convincing enough. Wayne Rooney would obviously be a shit lawyer, so the only way I could get away with a lighter jail sentence or fine is if he’s only one of many lawyers behind me. You know, kind of like bringing a kid to work and making them feel like they’re also doing very important tasks while they’re there. Obviously, this all depends on what Rooney is trying to defend me for. Maybe I’d hire him when I’m called into court for avoiding to pay a restaurant bill by faking a heart attack.
Jaydon: I would rather have Wayne Rooney as my lawyer for a few reasons: Mainly, he has fucktons of money, so he would be able to afford himself a good legal team, because obviously it’s not just one lawyer in your case, it’s a whole team. So he’s got enough money to do that, and he will just get a bunch of decent lawyers to work with him, and then he’ll just be the guy at the top, you know? I wouldn’t want to be faking a heart attack at a restaurant, because if I eat enough to feel satisfied and then shake about like I’m having a heart attack, I’d throw up.
Have you been re-reading Millie Bobbie Brown’s latest interview piece to make sure it’s not in fact the script to a fever dream? Busy digging out every jumper you have for the annual endurance test of not putting the heating on? Need a minute to stare at good screen after looking at bad screen? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have:
This week’s Would You Rather refers to
Wayne Rooney considering law school to support his wife during the Wagatha Christie libel trial against Rebekah Vardy last year.
A man who managed to scam 20 eateries by faking a heart attack before getting caught. He has now been jailed for 42 days but his crimes are considered minor as each bill was between £13 and £60.
blink-182 fans went viral for taking urinal mats from venue bathrooms as a little souvenir from the gig. Super-fan Kieran told The Music the he framed one with other memorabilia from the band’s 2012 UK tour:
“Me and my closest friend went to the toilets and we saw them. A random guy said to everyone peeing, ‘Will anyone judge me if I take one?’ Everyone just laughed, thinking it was a joke.”
Millie Bobby Brown might be one of the few celebrities left who give us exactly what we need from them: mainly unhinged quotes and great headlines:
“I’m somebody who wakes up, drinks a kombucha, pets my donkey, you know?” (She’s just like us etc etc)
She also told Glamour that a psychic gave her a feminist awakening:
Brown went home and googled “How do I know if I’m a feminist?” After reading articles and books, she “really grasped the idea of feminism and what it means to me,” she says. “Ultimately it’s about opportunity.”
We had period blood face masks, and now we get placenta smoothies: ‘Teen Mom 2’ alum Kailyn Lowry recently shared a video of herself mixing the organ in a blender before showing off the finished product in a mason jar.
This week’s palate cleanser (if you haven’t seen it already): The most sincere white guy on the internet having a blast trying Indian food for the very first time.
Swifties make it into our newsletter quite frequently, but we didn’t expect to hear Grimes encouraging Taylor Swift to run for president. She tweeted:
“In many ways Taylor Swift is the only presidential candidate who can unite the country. Trump v Swift is totally occurring in a parallel universe rn”.
Big L men episode 12934: Someone on Twitter who allegedly worked at a Top40 radio station in the early aughts shares that when Justin Timberlake went on a NYC morning show, he agreed to reveal Britney's sexual history in exchange for 'extra spins' of his single.
Jada Pinkett Smith said PLEASURE: She revealed in her memoir ‘Worthy’ that she built a secret sex room for her and Will Smith to get some private sexy time in a place that their kids wouldn’t want to sleep in. However, “over time, the kids hijacked that room as well.”
There’s a video flying around about a bear entering a home in Connecticut looking for food and stealing a frozen lasagne. My guy is walking around the kitchen like he didn’t just commit a burglary.
Mickey Mouse Parliament really has a different ring to it after we learned that a train with hundreds of MEPs and European Parliament officials briefly ended up at Disneyland after taking the wrong turn on the way to Strasbourg, reports POLITICO.
You gotta respect the principle: SAG-AFTRA has released guidelines for members looking to “celebrate Halloween this year while also staying in solidarity” with the strike, by encouraging them to “dress up as characters from non-struck content, like an animated TV show.”
Additional palate cleanser for good measure: Martin Scorsese TikTok is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
There’s a lot of misinformation and poor reporting going around about Israel’s occupation of Palestine and Palestinian militant group Hamas, but we really didn’t expect to hear about a woman mistaking some paragliders in Doncaster for members of the group.
Donald Trump has officially been issued a gag order in his federal election interference case. A sentence of dreams truly x
You’d think people were well and truly over Barbie, but anyways — here’s Pete Davidson’s rendition of ‘I’m just Ken’:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x