Discover more from Cringe Newsletter
Naked man with poo-smeared face seen hiding in bush, 2,000 artefacts have been stolen from the British Museum & wanna stay in Shrek's swamp?
The best cringe news of the past week according to yours truly.
We’ve got a bit of a random mix for you this week: From a bonkers local news headline to cruising squirrels and Shrek’s swamp, let’s dive right into today’s Would You Rather to get started:
WYR your family admit they have a group chat with your friends to slag you off or be accused of kidnapping your son away from his wife?
Georjia: One is a crime, one is just bitchy. I'm no true crime girl, but I know of a few cases where a parent kidnaps a child and it doesn't end well. Let alone their adult child - very different story, would that just be a kidnapping or stealing? That's a big accusation to throw around, but why do it? Having your family have a group chat with your friends purely to bitch about you wouldn't be so bad. It would hurt and surprise me, but I would rather have that than be accused of a crime. Accuse me of being a bitch, not a kidnapper.
Annika: As I don’t want to have children, it’s very unlikely I’ll ever fall into the trope of ‘evil mother-in-law’ who kidnaps her son so he stays away from his estranged wife. But even if I were to have children, I honestly would try to stop myself from being so overprotective that I consider committing a crime lol. I’m a big fan of ‘let them fuck around and find out’ - and as long as the fucking around isn’t life-threatening, I would probably apply this to my son trying to reconcile with his wife. Finding out that my family have a group chat to slag me off would hurt, sure, but I’m the worst texter in the family so they’re probably just complaining about me never getting back to them. Sounds like I’d deserve it tbf, I’ll take the secret group chat.
Gaby: I mean, kidnapping? I’ve never really thought of it. This really is a new one for me…also the potential to be contemplating criminality…but we MOVE. I suppose it’s just an accusation and it’s probably a salty wife that made the claim because my son comes to my house for bomb ass food when she’s cooking some dry, crusty looking chicken with a side of overcooked dust fries. Would I like the accusation? Maybe not. But could I care less? Not really. Now, my family having a group chat to slag me off is more of a likely reality because let’s be fair, I never put flowers in an arsehole and call it a vase. However, I don’t really vibe with that. Punch me in the face don’t stab me in the back.
Are you reading this wrapped up in several layers to shelter from the cold without an ounce of energy to face the world? Monitoring fall foliage like our bestie Christian Girl Autumn to prepare for a Tumblr-esque photoshoot? Need something to make you feel better as the Sunday hangxiety/scaries kick in? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have:
This week’s Would You Rather refers to
Cher being accused of employing 4 men to kidnap her adult son Elijah Blue Allman on the night of his wedding anniversary with his estranged wife, after the ex-couple tried to work on their marriage and spent 12 days alone together in New York.
Not exactly on our 2023 bingo cards.
Whether deliberate or not, we chuckled a little at Popbitch’s observation that a community notes writer on Twitter deliberately misspelled Dan Wootton’s name just to hurt his ego a little. The note was in response to his lame excuse of an apology for letting Lauren Fox have a misognystic rant on live television.
Karma works in unexpected ways: City National Bank is suing Chris Brown for $2 million over an allegedly unpaid loan used to buy 2 Popeyes restaurants.
Who doesn’t love a bit of wordplay? Alicia Keys is launching Alicia Teas.
Normal girlies can’t even get the Hinge guy to text back, and here is Travis Kelce renting out a restaurant for a post-game celebration with his teammates, family and Taylor Swift.
Huge news for organised workers: The Writers Guild of America strike is officially over after 148 days. Variety reports that the decision was made following a tentative agreement on a new minimum basic agreement (MBA) contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP).
“Birds are so foreign to us — there’s not one body part that looks like ours."
Damn she’d hate the ocean.
So good, you can’t make it up: Stoke-on-Trent News reported that a naked man with poo on his face was seen clutching a stolen bottle of bubble bath as he hid in a bush as a bizarre 8-minute police chase was brought to an end. The subheading reads:
Joseph Severn attempted to insert a finger in his bottom as he was arrested
This could either be the worst or best thing to ever happen to us, depening on who’s renting and making the TikToks: You can now stay in Shrek’s swamp through Airbnb beginning October 13, located in Highland Council, Scotland.
Only last week, we mentioned how fond we’ve grown of Shakira since writing this newsletter. And now we’re being hit with the disappointing news that she’s been charged for allegedly failing to pay $7.1 million in 2018, probably by using an offshore company located in a tax haven. Can’t have anything good.
Palate cleanser of the week: Cruising squirrels (no not like that).
Here’s a good cookie to balance out the universe: Christian Girl Autumn monitored fall foliage reports before booking her flight to Vermont for her annual photoshoot.
We must confess we haven’t thought about Usher since DJ got us fallin’ in love in 2010, but nice to see him making a comeback into our lives by announcing that he wants to incorporate dancers on stripper poles and roller skates for his Super Bowl Halftime show.
Because people have been losing their minds over Taylor Swift showing up at Travis Kelce’s football game:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x