The Gwyneth Paltrow ski crash victim can no longer enjoy wine tastings, celebrities get charged for illegal crypto scheme & American elementary school bans Miley Cyrus song
What we're asking this week and the best cringe news of the past week according to yours truly.
Hello friend,
Here we are: The last newsletter of the 3rd month of suffering in 2023. Life is about to get better though, we hope - at least it has been for us every time we see another DM or pitch land in our inbox!
Deadline day is still a while away (1 May), so please do share our callout with friends (or yourself!) as we’re still looking for art submissions for our next issue. x
Now with that out the way, let’s get into this week’s Would You Rather:
WYR be Gwyneth Paltrow’s skiing victim or a victim of an illegal celebrity crypto scheme?
Georjia: What would hurt me more: getting hit by Gwyneth Paltrow on the slopes or losing money in a crypto scheme? Both considered painful. In this economy, I think money is more important and to lose it due to some celebrity would be incredibly painful. Don’t they have enough? Getting swiped by Gwyneth on the slopes? Equally as painful but in the physical sense. Getting physically hurt by someone with extreme wealth, I immediately hear the cash rolling in. But Gwyneth is putting up a fight, and I can’t afford legal fees. I’ll take the crypto scam.
Klaidas: Look, I’ll be honest, I somewhat get crypto and I did make some money on it when Dogecoin was a thing but in all honesty, too volatile for me and I’d rather not be involved in some crypto scheme as I would lose too much money and the current economy is brutal enough. Although the pain of being hit in a ski accident would be painful, it would hopefully be short term and nothing too serious. Granted there would be legal fees and all that jazz involved but winning would cover all of that. So I think I would go for the ski accident.
Annika: My intuition tells me to go for the skiing accident because in what world would I go on a skiing holiday at the same place as a celebrity so rich, they get regular IV treatments and rectal ozone therapy? Sounds like a world I want to live in! Unfortunately, as Georjia rightfully pointed out, I don’t think I’d even attempt to go to court against someone who can afford lawyers so good, they can turn what I imagine would be an obvious case in my favour against me. Being exposed for taking part in a crypto scheme would be embarrassing at first, but maybe I could at least get some compensation and win some cash back. Consider this the only time I’d ever vote for being involved in crypto.
WATERCOOLER CHATS
Have you been looking up ski-core fashion after feeling inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow’s court appearances? Following the Hailey v Bieber marketing/gossip/bullying scandal a little too obsessively? Need something to counteract or add to the thoughts swirling around in your brain, depending on what would serve your sanity right now? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have:
Gwyneth Paltrow is the gift that keeps on giving: Last week, we reported on her new rectal ozone therapy, and this week she’s been making headlines from her court appearance. There are many highlights from the the Gwyneth Paltrow ski crash trial, but our favourites include being asked if she’s friends with Taylor Swift and the allegation by a medical expert that the man who is suing her has suffered so much that he can no longer enjoy wine tastings.
Need spiritual proof that Tories are produced in hell? We recently learned from the latest Pop Bitch newsletter that Jacob Rees-Mogg's hourly rate writing for Associated Newspapers is £666.
Questionable but nevertheless hilarious use of political resources: Democratic Unionist Party MP Jim Shannon tabled an Early Day Motion this week asking Parliament to acknowledge the 50th anniversary of Dolly Parton's I Will Always Love You.
Forget Hailey and Selena, nothing tops the insanity of Swifties and the power of her Eras Tour.
The rebrands need to stop: I <3 NY have changed their font and logo (and of course it’s in sans serif)
A list of celebrities have been charged for participating in an illegal crypto scheme. Among the culprits we have Lindsey Lohan… and Jake Paul. Unexpected company tbh.
This week’s palate cleanser: Sofia Coppola’s daughter’s first TikTok.
Not a lack of self-awareness, just a lack of political will: Macron was caught taking off his luxury watch while asking for sacrifices from the French people amidst nation-wide protests about pension changes. His representatives claim he took off the watch because it was "clinking on the table" (sure - super believable when this is the same guy who gave Jeff Bezos France's highest honour, while people were on the streets protesting about their financial futures)
Conservatives hate… happiness? An elementary school in Wisconsin is prohibiting students from singing Miley Cyrus and Dolly Parton’s duet ‘Rainbowland’, because they think it “could be perceived as controversial.” The lyrics in question:
“Wouldn’t it be nice to live in paradise, where we’re free to be exactly who we are.”
An example of positive news that don’t feel positive at all:
CRINGE MEME
Of course this one goes out to Gwyneth, because as someone observed on Twitter, no one’s ever looked more like someone on trial for a skiing accident:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x