The Palace is looking for a new comms assistant, Paris Olympics stocks up on 300,000 condoms & Glasgow Willy Wonka organiser has been dubbed ‘Willy Wanker’ in hate messages
The best cringe news of the past week according to yours truly.
Hello friend,
We promise this newsletter isn’t entirely dedicated to chronicling the borderline insane way in which the press has treated Kate’s lead-up to her statement. To prove ourselves to you, here’s today’s non-Kate related Would You Rather:
WYR your exes made a podcast together or go viral for losing a public dance battle?
Georjia: The podcast world is oversaturated (listen to Cringecast on all streaming platforms x) and people don’t listen to every single one but it would still bother me knowing my exes decided to start one. First of all, I’m not sure what they’d talk about apart from me which I wouldn’t want. Is there a need for two guys to start a podcast NOW? Don’t we have enough?! Losing a dance battle is embarrassing as it is let alone going viral for it. I think I’d delete all social media and quit my job and move to the Scottish highlands and live with the cows. I’m not a good dancer anyway but to have millions of people agreeing that I’m not a good dancer, horrific. I’ll have the podcast.
Annika: I’m unashamed to admit that I’m a big fan of podcasts, so there’s a slight chance I would actually come across my exes’ podcast only to be re-traumatised upon hearing their voices. Then again, I don’t want to be too dramatic (even arseholes are capable of change!). When I was younger, I was obsessed with the Step Up dance movies, like I was a dancer in another life and something in my DNA was drawn to it. Or maybe I just thought Channing Tatum was hot. The idea of even just entering a public dance battle though, or unknowingly being filmed losing one, would be such a cringe-inducing experience, it would cause longer-lasting damage than my exes producing a podcast. If it’s a bad podcast, I get to be a bit smug and laugh at them with my friends, and if it’s good, I can be somewhat relieved that people I once loved aren’t entirely bad. If anything, choosing someone else doing something always seems like the better option in our WYRs.
WATERCOOLER CHATS
Have you been rejoicing at the return of spring? Praying that this is actually a promise of better days ahead? Need some help to distract you while you’re patiently waiting? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have:
This week’s Would You Rather refers to
Caitlyn Jenner launching a podcast with Khloe’s ex husband, paying homage to ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ by calling it “Keeping Up With Sports.”
This video of a gay vs straight divide at an après-ski party that came across our FYPs and Twitter this week (with a clear winner).
Everyone was equally surprised to hear of the sad news that Kate Middleton has cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy, but perhaps even more baffled at the way her comms and PR team dealt with it. Instead of releasing a statement asking for privacy, here’s a list of headlines they allowed to fuel conspiracy theories instead:
Kate Middleton has been working from home on special project, palace confirms
Kate issues public apology as she takes blame for digitally altered photo
Word on the street is the Palace is now looking for a comms assistant.
‘Kiddie heist’ was not on our list of 2024 predictions, but here we are: Some kids robbed a bank in Texas and managed to escape - not by car- but by foot.
Anne Hathaway asked the press to let her be cringe and be free goddammit!! In an interview at SXSW film festival, she explained why she chose to play her role in One Direction fanfic The Idea of You:
"I don't want to be pigeonholed and don't want to be placed in a box of what type of films I have to be making because of my age, gender and because I won an Oscar. I want to have fun, dammit. It speaks to me."
Big wholesome W for Zayn Malik slash former One Direction member who brought his own hot sauce onto the ‘First We Feast’ set for his Hot Ones episode, made from peppers grown on his farm.
We love an innocent oopsie: Here’s a TikTok that came across our FYP this week of a woman whose chair broke mid-webinar.
THIS is how you celebrate Women’s Month: Presenting the Sinéad O’Connor Bratz doll:
Unfortunately mildly obsessed with this burglar who decided to do stretches before committing a crime.
Just heard the devastating news that Shakira discovering her ex cheating by noticing an open jam jar is actually untrue.
We really thought we were over the disastrous Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow, until we found out that the organiser has been dubbed ‘Willy Wanker’ in hate messages and published 16 AI-generated books last summer despite claiming he only used the technology for proofreading.
Weekly palate cleanser: Sandra Hüller being delightfully German talking to press.
“I can ‘out-eat Ozempic’” – hoping that Tracy Morgan revealing he ‘gained 40 pounds’ on weight-loss drugs can contribute to some kind of PR campaign to stop people from hoarding diabetes medication to lose weight.
Congratulations to the 2024 olympians who are allowed to be horny again! After a 2020 ban to prevent COVID spread, the Paris Olympics has now lifted the intimacy ban and is stocking up 300,000 condoms for athletes.
If you’ve seen The Kardashians, you might remember the scene where Kim hired Shania Twain to serenade friend Lukas Gage and his now ex-husband Chris Appleton. Gage has since apologised to Twain for ‘wasting her time’ as his marriage only lasted 6 months.
CRINGE MEME
Incredibly meme-able first look of Timothée Chalamet as Bob Dylan:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x