What royal would be most likely to cry in the cold store? And other Jubilee-themed Cringe news.
Liam Payne acting out his last name, Haim shows us what it is to be cringe and be free, and some Royal insight.
Hello friend,
In case you haven’t heard the news yet, we are hosting a panel event on independent publishing on 16 June! Panellists include Clem MacLeod, founder of literary magazine Worms Magazine, Hope Ndaba, Communications Executive at Picador and Macmillan Collector's Library, and UAL grad and artist Stephanie Francis-Shanahan.
The event is entirely free of charge and will take place at London College of Communication, UAL in Lecture Theatre B, 5.30pm - 7pm.
With that reminder out the way, let’s jump into this week’s newsletter:
WEEKLY QUESTION
To celebrate the end of the Queen’s Jubilee, we thought we’d spice it up a little this time and honour some of those who didn’t get a long weekend: hospitality and service workers.
Who would be most likely to cry in the cold store/stock room after a customer shouts at them?
Georjia: Having cried in a cold store and a stock room on numerous occasions, you get a wild variety of people joining. Annika has a good option with Kate which would probably be my go-to answer too. Another good option is Princess Beatrice, I think she could cry under the right circumstance. I think Kate would hold it together and be the mature manager leading the pack once she’s assignment everyone jobs, then she’d cry.
Klaidas: I will admit, I haven’t cried in a stock room before, but I’ve seen many others in this position. Let’s stop for a moment and speak before being mean. Anyway, now that’s been said I think Camilla would be the one that I would see in the stock room as those feel like the kind of vibes that I get from her, and I’m not too sure why. *Just here exposing my internal thoughts.*
Annika: I feel like Kate seems like the kind of person who hates confrontations of any sort - but that doesn’t stop her from handling it and moving on! She would definitely try not to escalate the argument, obediently agree with everything the customer is yelling about, and then talk shit about them later with her colleagues. All after spending some time in the cold store to prevent any puffiness in her face from crying, of course. After all, she has to look good in case someone cute tries to buy her a drink.
What high street shop would they be most likely to work at?
Georjia: Meghan Markle: makeup/skincare counter at a Selfridges or Harrods and you’d remember how nice she was; she’d be letting you try on all the products and I love that for her. Prince William: geography teacher at a secondary school who is also a Head of Year or manager of a supermarket or Mountain Warehouse. Annika's accuracy with Prince Harry working for Superdry is top tier. Camilla Parker Bowles: the receptionist at a company (dentist or doctors office or anywhere really) who knows all the gossip.
Klaidas: Prince Charles definitely for Greggs; Princess Diana: Selfridges or a model; Prince William, I agree with Georjia with him being a Geography teacher.
Annika: Meghan Markle: Pets at Home/Zara; Prince Harry: Superdry; Prince William: Store manager at Asda; Prince Charles: Greggs; Camilla Parker Bowles: H&M
Who’s the most likely to steal money out of the till?
Georjia: I feel like young Prince Harry would do it accidentally, like when being left a tip he would put in his pocket and when he gets home be like, “Oh shit!” But deliberately, Prince Andrew. And when the managers mention money is missing, he’d blame someone else and try to be helpful.
Klaidas: Prince Harry gives me mischievous vibes and he would get away with it, probably blame it on his brother too.
Annika: Prince Andrew for sure - he’s basically doing this already with all the lawsuits and sexual allegations that his mum has to bail him out of. Perhaps he wouldn’t have the guts to actually steal something himself, but he’d definitely get someone else to do it for him and rat his partner out if anyone found out.
WATERCOOLER CHATS
Have you been busy enjoying tinnies on the Lizzie line in honour of her Jubilee? Has the long weekend been a little unkind to your liver and brain and you need a moment to recuperate? No worries friend, we got you.
Here are our favourite headlines you can bring up during conversations you’d rather not have as you nurse your long-weekend hangover:
We like to think that the Queen would approve of this newsletter: According to Pop Bitch, Lizzie herself gets a personalised private gossip email sent to her every day by government insiders, specifically requesting to feature details that “don’t make the press.”
In case you haven’t had enough of content making fun of people with an unjustified and unjustifiable amount of power, read this delicious piece about The Great, Slow-Motion Humiliation of Piers Morgan, which includes the fantastic line:
“For all the promotional fanfare, Morgan has gone from Good Morning Britain to good evening no one.”
Haim performed some dance choreographies in a way that really shows what it looks like to be cringe and be free. (According to one fan online, the dance is the same one featured in the actual video for "I Know Alone")
Stranger Things is back on our screens, to the joy of many OG fans and none other than Kate Bush: According to NME, streams of Kate Bush’s ‘Running Up That Hill’ have increased by 153 per cent after the song appeared on the latest season.
We never thought we’d bring the memory of One Direction back to life, but Liam Payne has been in the news lately providing so much cringe content, we couldn’t stop ourselves.
On a podcast hosted by none other than controversial YouTuber Logan Paul, the guy who used suicide as content for his vlogs, Payne throws shade on former band member Zayn and his upbringing, pretends like he’s the most successful solo artist to come out of 1D, and is overall just really full of himself. Some compared him to David Brent from the Office - all in all, highly recommend.
As always, people had some opinions on Payne’s arrogance:
On May 29, a human being on this Earth thought it was a great idea to dress up as an elderly woman in a wheelchair and head over to The Louvre to cake the protective glass of the Mona Lisa painting. Why? Apparently to stage a climate protest. Instead of saving the planet from climate catastrophy, the man has now been taken to a psychiatric infirmary in the police headquarter. The Louvre responds: “This act had no effect on the painting, which was not damaged in any way."
Also, we know the Queen’s festivities have taken over this nation’s consciousness. So here’s a reminder to celebrate Pride Month:
CRINGE MEME
Happy end-of-Jubilee weekend:
That’s it for this week! Feel free to let us know what cringe content, memes, and headlines you’ve been enjoying lately. Until then, we’ll see you in your inbox next Sunday!
Your Cringe Team x